| Tuesday, June 21st, 2005 |
| 1:59 am |
wow. summer makes me really sad. i'm not exactly sure why. which is really dissapointing. so i cut my hair. its really short. i think i look kind of like a little boy. its quite a shame. i woke up and didn't recognize my reflection. whatever happened to boys taking girls on dates? does that not happen anymore? or has the majority of the male population just lost their manners? oh well. |
| Saturday, June 18th, 2005 |
| 2:04 am |
i feel really sad. and i can't seem to figure out why. which is quite depressing. because i've worked so long and hard on figuring out why. i woke up at 1 and laid in bed all day. eventually i kicked a hole in my wall and ate ice cream. im 17. birthdays are really sad i think because the time passes so fast and nothing seems to have been accomplished. i miss everything. thats really the only problem with living. missing. |
| Friday, May 6th, 2005 |
| 5:09 pm |
I came home to the lady with too much makeup and blonde highlights from "savvy interior design" redecorating our house. it was really awful. all of our crap is piled in the corner of the kitchen, fancy new things in its places. I liked all the junk. It was so real. All these polished contemporary mohogany items seem so foreign- distant here. they don't belong with all our garbage. My mother's picture was in a new black and white frame. It made me want to cry. I've been thinking a lot about boys. especially the ones that I've kissed. and their significance. I'm very confused about boys and their intentions. I was so stuck on you when you traced my body with your fingertips. oh what does all this mean |
| Friday, April 29th, 2005 |
| 8:36 pm |
I'm furious. nothing exactly happened. but I just realized how much this whole situation is fucking me up. I never should ever put up with this much shit. from anyone. even you. I really can't deal with it. |
| 11:07 am |
something about my hands really. with my broken chipped nails and picked apart nail-beds. and the burns and thin lines of scar tissue-marks from the stiches still intact. makes me quite sad. |
| Tuesday, April 19th, 2005 |
| 10:49 pm |
oh boy how good i am at finding myself in the middle of things that really don't involve me at all. oh well I'm in a good mood nevertheless. Today was fun I dressed trist up in sundresses and braids and flowers and took pictures in the river. we managed to drag ourselves into taco bell soaking wet and muddy and reeking of pond scum. i washed so alex/cks wouldn't complain about my dirty feet and then had some hot chocolate at dunkin donuts and hit up the anderson household with him. good day good fun I'm going to sleep. |
| Saturday, April 16th, 2005 |
| 2:25 am |
im relatively miserable and surprisingly enough i can't think of a legitimate reason why. i half assed picked a fight with my aunt for no particular reason. i just kind of wanted to. everything isn't better and everything doesn't get better. it just gets smoothed over. I just keep looking for a point. Wheres the point.? It seems like I should be able to find it somewhere. But I don't really know where. it's really pathetic that you find a need to make up stupid lies that serve absolutly no purpose. have we forgotten my stance on this subject??? HAVE WE FORGOTTEN?? |
| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005 |
| 10:48 pm |
so im updating yeah.... i hate breaks because coming back is so gosh darn hard but surprisingly enough the weather has been wonderful and school doesn't seem all that bad i have pictures to post as soon as my computer stops being a bitch and not letting me the last few days have been fun me and james went on the best picnic ever on sunday we even saw 6 deer me and jessie continued with the bare feet rolling down the hill good conversation deal which of course is fantastic and i took pictures of pam attacking geese those nasty motherfuckers have gotten too confident. they wouldn't fly away somebody neeeds to show them whose boss my nose hurts what else? |
| Wednesday, March 30th, 2005 |
| 1:21 am |
im kind of furious but i don't really know what at vacation was weird we got to our destination we hated it so we turned around and drove back day by day tennesee was beautiful though. all those rolling hills i feel like i am oddly out of touch with everything. theres...something blocking everything from getting through. but I don't know what i try to avoid situations that provoke certain emotional turmoil for myself...and then when i get in them again its sort of difficult. which is a very roundabout way of saying what i feel. oh well. |
| Thursday, March 24th, 2005 |
| 9:25 am |
so here goes nothing at all so im going to south carolina. i will be back on wednesday don't ask me why south carolina because i have no idea. this should be interesting. don't worry though i'll take pictures |
| Friday, March 11th, 2005 |
| 4:02 pm |
oh what a long week. and the weekend comes crashing in blindly. I am sick and tired. (YES SICK AND TIRED) of being told what i can and cannot do by people who are not my parental figure. my decisions however "inappropriate" some might deem them are still mine. and no one can take that away from me. and unless there is the possibility of me injuring myself or someone else or doing something massively horrible i will continue to make my own decisions. thank you very much thursday night. tides of gorgon with jessie and gracie ( trish and lucy later) was good. opening bands were not. but hey. what can you do. tonight.... im at my aunts. going to a party with her friends son who lives here possibly? i'm going to sleep |
| Saturday, March 5th, 2005 |
| 12:02 pm |
oh the days are so strange sometimes. Yesterday was heartbreak. and I don't even know why. The air was just filled with this kind of disturbing sadness. I went shopping with grace and trisha in the afternoon and we all felt it. We were just standing inside the store and everything was so dismal. I went over to gracie's house afterward and we watched a sad movie with her and her mom. When I'm upset its hard being there just because of how cute she is with her mom. Oh I get so jealous. I think too much. I'm always at a loss for words because theres so much going on in my mind. We went to jessie's at 11. I went upstairs to nap because my stomach was really messed up. Alex/cks came upstairs to talk to me which was nice. Drove him home with ms. d. and ended the evening with a nice talk with ms jessie. my kindred spirit. Theres this one smell thats so comforting. a boy's smell I don't really know what it is. A mix of cigarettes and something else. But when I smell it I'm so so safe. |
| Friday, March 4th, 2005 |
| 12:46 pm |
i'm in a surprisingly good mood. i had waffles for breakfast at the danrich household. which was definatly a spectacular start to a sunny day. Last night turned out differently than I had expected- but was nevertheless enjoyable i have serious problems with CD burning. I am deathly afraid of it for some bizarre unknown reason. which is irrelevant. I can't wait for the warmer months. It's already march! It seems that the summer holds so much more magic than any other time of year. It is absolutly full of possibilities. picnics and walks with mercedes on the riverwalk. and late night talks and bonfires and lakes and gardens and the farmers market! and fresh fruit and corn on the cob. and burnt brown skin and freckles. and sundresses and sunflowers and SUN! oh boy. |
| Monday, February 28th, 2005 |
| 9:00 pm |
In retrospect It seems quite obvious the change from then to now. But the only thing that I can't seem to understand is how exactly it all happened. and I don't know exactly what "then" i'm referring to because there have been so many "thens" and "nows" without all that much in between it seems. But then again there has been so much that I haven't even realized. Everything seems to hold such an unneccesary significance to me. Little problems or dissapointments just sybolize too much. And its not neccesarily that so much as it is that I take them to be so much more than they really are. I don't know why I'm so sensitive. Sometimes people tell me that I come off as a bitch. those two things don't really make sense together. I think my major problem with people is my inability to trust anyone |
| Friday, February 18th, 2005 |
| 6:40 pm |
This week has been a mix of strange happiness and unrestrained anger. I'm excited Interested. hopeful? valentines day pictures me and grace  trisha and katie  jessie  |
| Monday, February 14th, 2005 |
| 8:16 pm |
I don't really know what kind of a mood im in. I felt so awful all day; the result of unnecesary worrying about my nonexistant health problems I have serious stomach-flu anxiety issues Went out for dress-up dinner with Gracie, Trisha, Katie and Jessie which was fun. We got italian at that place by the trainstation. It's nice to go out with the girls but I always feel lost in conversation. Misplaced kind of. I'm put off because my father refuses to take me to get groceries because Gonzo is apprently on his deathbed with the pox. My sister reminded me of something that I had almost forgotten and it makes me so sad to remember |
| Tuesday, February 8th, 2005 |
| 10:56 pm |
oh GOD. i feel so awful. My body is not cooperating with my mind and getting better liked I had hoped. Oh well. I slept until 2 today. And then napped some more. So I am never going to be able to sleep tonight. But my dad was cute and brought me home a chocolate chip cookie from pantera. I'm in a laundry basket. and my cheeks are red from a small fever.  ehh i wish i had a lover to bring me flowers and kiss me on my forehead when im stranded sick in bed. |
| Saturday, February 5th, 2005 |
| 12:04 am |
wooaahhh. underwear/ oswego night with the two darlings. shaving legs in the bathroom   the three of us   ooooo how metal   school today was a bitch. Mrs. John asked me if I was really angry. But I was kind of just staring off into space with "that look" that makes people I don't even know think that I hate them. Good thing I had tristyandpam- gorgeous to cheer me up with some underwear photos and oswego driving! |
| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005 |
| 11:10 pm |
I find comfort in my little bit of space  but you know what? I feel so resolved! |
| Tuesday, February 1st, 2005 |
| 7:52 pm |
Oh I love imagining lives for the people I could see as my lover. Kits birthday Sunday.We dressed up and had dinner at heaven on seven and colonial for dessert.   So I hung out with darling Gracie today. We drove around for pictures and went back to her house for food and a photo shoot for her photo class. I was the model today and somehow I ended up in my underwear, high heels, and a scarf tied around my chest. We would get along well as roommates. |
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